Several of the bloggers I read have posted their opening paragraph(s), including Diane Gallant, Ken Kiser, and Alex Moore (among many others that I would list here, but it would take a while). I’ve decided to post mine (though I do note that this is the first draft, completely unedited). Here are the first (roughly) 200 words:
Alucius stabbed his pitchfork in the ground. With a heavy sigh, he wiped his brow. The sun was hidden behind the clouds, but the air, like his shirt, was soaked with humidity. It would rain soon, good for the farms. Of course, this meant that his work had to be finished before the drops began to fall from the sky.
He picked the fork back up. His broad, strong shoulders flexed under his ripped and dirty shirt as he turned the earth. Alucius had been at this all day, and the hours seemed to drag by. He was a farmer by necessity, but hated working the ground.
His father had passed away a year ago. He owned nothing but the farm, and had but one son to take it over. Alucius’ mother and sisters were dependent upon him, and therefore he was dependent on the farm. So from dawn to dusk he was out here, tilling, planting, weeding and toiling.
Everyday, around noon, Alucius took a break. He would eat whatever crumbs he had scrounged up that morning and look to the west. There, he would see Haandor, the bejeweled city. He’d always sigh and look wistfully. The city always captured his dreams and consumed his waking thoughts.
Enjoy
I hope you posted in the spirit of peer critique…
As always, I recommend you tighten, tighten, and tighten some more. Such as:
“Alucius stabbed his pitchfork into the ground. Sighing, he wiped his brow. The clouds hid the sun, but the air hung hot and heavy about him. It would rain soon. He would have to hurry.”
Also, you might want to introduce a bit more action here before the exposition about his family and daily routine.
Keep up the good work!
Definately don’t mind the critique. The passage will be tightened up after the first draft is completed. Thanks and keep it coming!
“Everyday, around noon, Alucius took a break. He would eat whatever crumbs he had scrounged up that morning and look to the west. There, he would see Haandor, the bejeweled city. He’d always sigh and look wistfully. The city always captured his dreams and consumed his waking thoughts.”
Love it. In fact, I would just open with that!
Thanks! I think one of the cool things about posting my open paragraphs in the rough draft stage (besides being able to get good feedback), is that once I’m done with revisions, and I post the revised opening paragraphs, it will provide an interesting comparison between the rough and the polished.
Thanks for sharing this; I like it and I like Anthony’s advice. It also makes me wonder what it is about farming that Alucius dislikes. It makes me think of the antithesis, The Good Earth and the obsession to own land. I want to like Alucius, but at this point I’m hesitant to like someone who doesn’t cherish the soil. Maybe I’m just weird. Ok, that’s a given. But I only say this because as an author you want to build that empathy early on. (obviously this is first draft, 200 words…i do understand the limits here…but i’m just thinking & wanting to share those thoughts)
I apologize if I haven’t scouted around enough, but what genre are you writing? If this is sci fi/fantasy, I would suggest making sure that element is evident before the end of the first page.
It’s fantasy, which becomes evident about two paragraphs after what I’ve posted.
As far as Alucius’ dislike of the earth, that’s also delved into just beyond the part posted (and it comes out more that he doesn’t like the situation he’s been thrown into, as opposed to a dislike of the earth).
Thanks for the comments, however — I’ll be interested to see what people say in a few months when I start editing and post the revised opening.